Negative New Year’s Resolutions
“New Year’s Day now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.” —Mark Twain
It’s New Year's Eve, and the countdown’s on. Finally, the clock strikes twelve, and the confetti and streamers fly. The champagne flows freely as people sing, cheer, and kiss as they welcome in the new year.
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And then, January 1st unfurls itself like a flag, presenting its colors to the world, a boundless number of opportunities in its wake. And with all its pageantry and promise comes an innate, deep-seated desire to make promises and pledges to better ourselves. New year -- new us.
Ah, the New Year’s resolutions --the commitments we make to self-improvement, the unattainable bars we set so high for ourselves that we can never in a million new years live up to.
Well-intentioned proclamations cascade from our mouths like water racing down a mountain: “I’m going to go to the gym four times a week!” “I’m going to lose those final stubborn 15 pounds!” “I’m going to eat better!” “I’m going to cut out alcohol!”
It turns out that we are not alone in our desires. A study from Forbes Health/One Poll showed that for 2024 among people who set New Year’s resolutions, 48% expressed a desire for improved fitness. Following closely behind were folks who resolved to have better finances, enhanced mental health, dropped pounds, and healthier diets.
And in spite of our best efforts and intentions, another survey by One Poll shows that a majority of us will abandon our resolutions by February 1st.
If the statistics and trends are to be believed, we’ll try to eat healthier, spend less, and go to the gym for about a month, and then we’ll relapse into unhealthy patterns.
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Why are we so beholden to established traditions? We are creatures of habit, pure and simple. Muscle memory is very real and deeply ingrained within us and extremely difficult to dislodge or disrupt.
Would it be easier if we somehow decided NOT to do things instead of pledging TO DO things? Could we perhaps trick ourselves into thinking it’s less work to cut things out of our lives instead of adding them?
When it comes to resolutions, even though we find ourselves some 500 years later, I am reminded of Polonius’s speech to Laertes as he goes back to university in William Shakespeare’s Hamlet. Like us, Laertes finds himself on the cusp of a new year with a chance to reset and redo.
Polonius, like a good dad, takes advantage of the situation and offers not only some positive advice to his son, but also some negative counsel that still rings true today, particularly when he counsels Laertes to “not dull [his] palm with entertainment of each new-hatch’d, unfledged comrade.” In other words, stop worrying about people who may be in and out of your life in a heartbeat. Don’t waste your time, energy, or resources on friends who have not proven their loyalty to you.
I’m certainly no Shakespeare, but here are my “Negative New Year’s Resolutions” for 2024:
1. Don’t try to teach anyone “a lesson” on the highway, even if the driver is going waaaay too slow in the left lane.
2. Don’t ask to speak to the manager, even if Publix is out of the very yummy sourdough bread you get every week.
3. Don’t get into an argument online with anyone about politics, COVID restrictions, HOA rules, or restaurant health scores. You’re never going to change their mind.
4. Don’t allow slight differences in political or religious doctrine to end a friendship. It’s just not worth it.
5. Don’t overindulge, particularly in food, alcohol, online shopping, etc. Don’t take that 8th mozzarella cheese stick or order that super expensive dress. You’re only going to regret it tomorrow.
6. Don’t judge people by their “single story.” Don’t put people in a box. Don’t be reductive and view them only as their race or gender indicates. Look beneath the obvious markers of who they are and, instead, weigh their worth based on what they believe, what they value, and how they act towards others, even when no one is watching.
7. Don’t take your loved ones for granted. Don’t count on a second chance to say all of the things you’ve left unsaid for so many years now. Act as if you have no tomorrow.
8. Don’t neglect your abs. Or your glutes. Or your biceps and triceps. They’ve been clamoring for your attention for years now. What’s it going to give them your notice? A full-body fall on the pavement in front of a restaurant in Birmingham? (I mean, this is hypothetical, of course . . . It certainly didn’t happen to me just the other day.)
Happy New Year, y’all. May the Lord bless you with the ability to adapt to, embrace, and forgive the new normal. I’ll see you at the gym January 2nd (and hopefully February 2nd)!
